Understanding there are greater and deeper motivations for other’s emotions and reactions isn’t entirely helpful, per se. I mean, knowing there is something that is the actual root of the vehemence and pattern and direction by which people react and interact, does help diffuse the feelings of being attacked and taking other’s actions personally. No doubt about it. However, no matter what, unless you ask them and have known them for a very long time or have a level of intimacy, it becomes a game of projection, psychology, and statistics to know and/or understand their motivations. I say projection because most folks are inclined to project their own perceptions and past onto others as a way to try and understand them and relate, and, it’s the actual breadth of their experience, so, they talk about what they know.
Thing is, you have to apply it to your own actions and motivations as well, and while you think you know yourself, do you really? I am constantly surprised by myself. Not always in good ways.
Today, I woke up and found out I had done something differently than what was wanted. There was a delay in communication and I went into action with an uninformed understanding. I apologized, said I had done something different and why and it’ll be resolved, later. While there is not yet an outcome, in the end, is not earth shattering and not something to get my panties in a twist over other than making sure work to ensure resolution.
As the moment transpires and immediately after, I felt uncomfortable and upset with myself. A lot. However, conscious mind knows that “In the scheme of things” and there isn’t a way to undo what I’ve done and there is still a need to deal with the consequences, if any, and those won’t manifest for a couple days.
This is where my subconscious kicks in and clamps on to the fact I did something “wrong” like a honey badger and starts wrassling around with it like it’s a chew toy.
I let it go from my conscious thoughts and moved on to the next thing my mind landed on, which was a conversation last night that got minorly started, was slightly emotionally volatile for me and due to circumstance was very stunted and left a lot of questions about motivations and perceptions about something with someone that I am close to. A lot of confusion and need to get more information, but at the same time knowing that person is unavailable to talk and it leads to being frustrated. But, it’s not anyone’s fault, beyond my own, that I am in that state.
Not knowing what is actually going on or what is motivating the suggested changes leaves me feeling insecure that I did something I didn’t know I’d done (More on the source of reaction in a later episode) or that I should prepare for more abandonment, isolation, and less assistance with my ongoing projects. My anger, hurt, and confusion level climbing, I stop sending messages that I know won’t be replied to until after work and think I’m moving on.
The Steering Committee in my subconscious laughs and uses the confusion and fear to send my thinking to a very stressful situation and people that really don’t like me and having to deal with them. Some of them I know why they don’t, others, I have no clue, but they be painfully obvious about it. Now, I’m full of anxiety and full of self-doubt and drowning in catastrophic thinking.
So, I am full of anxiety from thinking about them. Understandable, yes? Maybe. I didn’t used to be when I thought about conflict and/or people that have ill wishes for me. I’ve had haters pretty much my whole life. What happened today wasI started to wonder why I have grown to be so nervous and unsure of myself over the years when all evidence points to the fact that I have no reason to? This isn’t a new thought. But, it really got a strong foothold, today. What happened that I went from a face all fears type of person to someone who does everything they can to avoid conflict, have heart palpitations, and sweaty palms?
I started thinking back and looking and wondering when I transitioned and started to have these issues. I can definitely say it’s been since the early 2000’s. So, what happened to me then? I got in a relationship with a person with Borderline Personality Disorder. Now, there are a couple of things that happened during this relationship. I learned that everything hinged on the definition of the word you used, according to their interpretation of it, not your intent as to how you use it. I learned that no matter what, it was my fault. Gaslighting taught me that I didn’t actually know anything I knew and I was automatically wrong if I thought I had any rights or voice in the relationship.
The end of that relationship’s mental abuse “blossomed” at the end when we added a person diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder to our relationship which she moved in promising him rent free existence on my dime. I was extremely excited to see them leave and have done everything I can to prevent interacting or having any association with them abusive fucks.
Since then, I have taken multiple steps over the years and gone through therapy to help me deal with the after effects. I learned many things. I’ll go into more about this relationship another time, let’s just say it’s contribution to this story is foundational. As in, it left the door open and has been repeated with subtle variations while I learn how to identify the red flags quick enough for mental preservation.
So, how did I become so anxious? How did I learn to be afraid? These are the questions I’m asking myself and there won’t be a fix for it until I can figure it out. Not going to happen immediately and will definitely be spread out over more than a few entries of this journey. As for today, my mind is in a better and calmer place for having called it out and started looking through as I tell you. First step accomplished. I know there is a problem and there is a way to fix it. Next step. Looking for ways it manifests to help me trace the origins to get rid of the pieces of not me I carry.
